This has been the longest weekend of my lifeeeee. Honestly I wish I was over on the Fans tribe with Liz, because then I wouldn’t have to be walking on eggshells so much. It’s like these people (and by these people, I emphasize Jessica, who claims she’s not telling people not to trust me but Eddie’s clearly heard that from somebody!) are so sure I’ll do something crazy, that my very silence has convinced them that I’ve got something up my sleeves! And I really don’t! I’m really on my best behavior - it’s a maddening reputation, and I’m telling you right now it’s only a matter of time before these eggshells crack.
Here’s my biggest worry: if Jessica (or maybe even Aurora or Stephanie, but they’re giving me more of a chance) makes it to the swap, she will taint my image to every single Fan over there. And then, just like that, I won’t be able to win. I can’t overcome this perception. The only thing I can do is lose the perception entirely.
Soooo, I think I need to blindside Jess. I know, I know, by blindsiding her then that’s actually proving her distrust to be right... but, dude, it’s a cycle. I can’t prove I’m trustworthy if everyone will always think I’m untrustworthy, and everyone will always think I’m untrustworthy unless I break my trust with Jess. I can’t even convey what’s going through my head right now: so many worries, so many questions, so many plans that are begging to be unleashed; I feel like Melinda with her mannequins, when what I want to convey is the Melinda that won.
So, I need to give up on the Eddie idol plan. The more I push for that, the more I push him away. We just need to vote him out tonight, and preferably win the immunity. But if we lose, I might need to get to work on a blindside. I hate to do it because I like Jess, but I asked her straight up if she could every *truly* believe I’ve changed, and she said no. I can’t play with people who inherently think I’m dangerous.
But of course Jess isn’t my only worry. Stephanie, Aurora, Jed, and Hannah all have the same perception if I had to guess. And, if my suspicions are right, both the Survivor Will guy and Aaron’s brother are playing this season too, and they might have preconceived notions also. I guess I don’t know for sure that they’re playing, but my gut says at least one of them is, and looking at the dossiers they could be numbers 5 (Will) and 6 (Lil Aaron).
Anyway, those are just some of the dozens and dozens of thoughts racing through my head at the moment! It’s such a scary game... but, I’m a big fan of growth arcs, so hopefully this is the beginning of my rise to confidence, safety, and security.